Two Pints OF Lager And A Packet Of Crisps Wiki
Fags, Shags And Kebabs
Season 01, Episode 01
Air date 26 February 2001
Written by Susan Nickson
Directed by Gareth Carrivick
Episode guide

Fags, Shags And Kebabs is the first episode of Two Pints and the first episode of the first series. This episode was written by Susan Nickson and was first broadcast on 26 February 2001.


When Donna tells Janet that she is looking for a boyfriend, Janet asks her partner, Jonny, to persuade his best friend, Gaz, to go on a date with Donna. Jonny convinces him when Janet threatens to reveal that his favourite film is Titanic. A double date results in Janet, Jonny and Donna all storming out of The Mayhew pub.

In the local kebab shop, Jonny gives Gaz’s phone number to Donna and she goes to his flat. Donna thinks she made a mistake when she finds his large collection of pornographic magazines, but despite arguing, she and Gaz have sex. Janet’s student friend, Louise, gets a job as a barmaid at The Mayhew, but soon quits when her boss offers her a bag of peanuts in exchange for sex.

Full plot[]

Jonny lives with girlfriend Janet. They can regularly be found lounging on their sofa, beers in hand, Janet happily picking her toenails.

Janet's best friend Donna needs to find a boyfriend so her acidic mother Flo won't think she is gay, celibate or repellant to men. With limited men at her disposal, her best friend's boyfriends' mate has to do.

Unfortunately Gaz, Jonny's best mate is reluctant, eventually agreeing when he thinks he is on course for a shag. Jonny and Janet double date with Gaz and Donna down the Mayhew (aka 'the girl's pub'). Gaz and Donna seem to be hitting it off, at least until Gaz admits that he would prefer to be at the Cup Final than with Donna. All ends well though and Gaz and Donna get to indulge in some bedroom aerobics even after Donna discovers that Gaz has enough porno magazines 'to keep the entire British forces from missing their girlfriend'.

Meanwhile student Louise finds herself short of fag money. Her good friends Donna and Janet convince the barman at the Mayhew to give Louise a job. Louise's career as a barmaid is short-lived - she quits after refusing to 'put out for a bag of peanuts'. Better luck next time Louise.